Wow. So, in about a week and half I'll be done with high school. Shit. I found out today that I got a profecient with honors on my senior project presentation, and that I'm all set to graduate. High school for me has been difficult, to say the least. Freshman year I struggled socially, and was deppressed. Sophomore year I struggled even more socially and became depressed, so I switched schools, which gave me temporary relief. I spent junior year at this school, and though I maintained about a 3.7 GPA there, I wanted to go to NK to for my senior year. The summer between Junior and Senior year was the best summer I have ever had. I became so close to so many people, and finally was accepted into a group of friends. I have so many great memories from this summer. I love all of these people to an incredible degree.

I also struggled with my sexuality during this time. I had never felt sexually attracted to girls, I don't remember having a serious crush on a girl where I would ever think of being physical with her. Perhaps emotionally attracted, but that would be the end of it. Where area's I had always found myself attracted both physically and emotionally to guys. I remember really noticing this in fifth grade, and didn't know what to think about it...so I didn't think about it. Of course the thoughts were still there, but I didn't start dealing with them until high school. I came out at the end of senior year, and word spread quickly. All my friends accepted me for who I was. I also was involved in a pretty serious relationship with someone for a couple of months. Then around November I started feeling wierd about myself. I didn't like being considered "gay" and didn't want it anymore. I was tired of getting shit about it from my mom and basically just didn't want to be gay. So I told my guy friends I wasn't. But I still am. I went on a date with a guy over april vacation and had an experience with a guy last weekend that only confirmed this. I don't give a shit anymore and don't care what I am. I am who I am.

My senior year was really...different. I had a lot of great friends, which I hadn't had in high school before. Everything was basically going great. But around december I started getting depressed. I didn't think anything of it and never expected it to grow as bad as it did. I have a history of depression and have been on a couple different anti-deppressants. I stopped taking the second one during junior year because I felt that it was making me depressed. After I was off of it I felt a lot better. So I was reluctant to take medication for this. After January past it grew a lot worse. I started cutting again. The first time I cut was in 8th grade and I had been doing it off an on since, and it usually meant I was really depressed at the time. I finally talked to people about it. I was taken to the hospital to be phsycologically evaluated twice, once in feruary and once in march. The school had called and requested a note from my therapist, whom we had hired after the first evaluation, to make sure I was safe in school. There was one day in school where I just left and walked 6 miles to my house because I couldn't take it anymore. I had even stopped smoking weed because I just didn't give a shit about it. I was even depressed when I was with my friends, and was seriously starting to contemplate suicide, getting very close to doing it. My grades plummeted and I just stopped caring. So I went to butler for two weeks. I couldn't deal with the world anymore, I needed to do something. At butler I thought a lot. About a whole bunch of shit. There they started me on another anti-deppressent, but this one seemed to work. By the time I left I felt a whole lot better. I don't know how many of my friends know that I was there, but a couple guessed. This is why I was absent for those two weeks. I have continued to feel good since then, and have stopped cutting, although I will still get the urge to do it sometimes. A lot of my friends have also helped me through this.

So this year was...eventful? Sure. Although there was definetly some shitty times during it, I learned a lot. About myself, about life. I became even closer to friends. And I have a ton of memories. Its wierd that this whole thing is coming to a close in two weeks.